breastfeeding, the love - hate relationship.

okay so i've seriously had this post in my drafts forever now, i just wasn't sure if i even wanted to write it and if i decided to how i was going to go about writing it. benny will be 6 months in a week and i think i'm ready to really just share our story. we struggled, a lot, but eventually it got easy and now it's as natural as eating a sandwich.

let me just tell you.. breastfeeding was all i thought about.. every minute of every day from the second i found out i was pregnant. it's natural and i loved every part of the bonding aspect. expectations? well i thought i had it in the bag! i was worried of course but all i heard from every website, book, and person was that it wasn't painful "the only time it would be painful is if the baby has an incorrect latch.. training a baby to latch correctly is easy.. blah blah blah blah"

what the shit. was i the first person actually breastfeeding their child because it sure seemed so.. does anyone know what they are talking about? 

but seriously.. at the hospital the first few times i did it, i thought i had it under control. i felt the pinch of the first suck each time but other then that it seemed like it was working, naturally. i don't know what happened or happens but the very first time i fed him at home sucked and from then on it went down hill. he wasn't gaining weight, i was emotionally and physically exhausted, i had low milk supply, so much pain. i knew i wasn't alone in this struggle but i just wanted it to end. i wanted to provide full nourishment for my son. 

i basically lost it when the pediatrician pretty much told me to give up. what kind of doctor was that? a stupid one! (we now go to a different pediatrician) i went home that day, cried for hours and stomped into the baby's room like a 5 year old having a temper tantrum, found the organic formula and fixed my first formula bottle. he hated it. the bottle, the taste, the experience. so did i. but i can't always get what i want and if my baby isn't successfully gaining proper weight then i needed to swallow my pride and do what i got to do. so i did it. i fed him formula for 6 days and while i did that i continued to pump. i pumped every hour and a half for that 6 days.

i woke up one day and looked myself in the mirror and said what the f*** am i thinking! i can do this! i'm young, i'm healthy, and now i'm a mom (which is the best motivation ever!) so i marched my 5 year old, temper tantrummed tush into the bedroom and said "bring him to me" as if i was a queen waiting on her throne for my classy tea & classy cheese. steve brought over benny and i bit my tongue and sucked it up. and i continued to suck it up for the next 4 or 5 weeks. my supply started to build quickly and every feeding hurt a little bit less. i tried nipple shields, nipple cream, nipple pads, and nipple shells. i absolutely refused to go back to formula and i refused to give up at any point in time.

i was going all the way baby! i will not stop my child from breastfeeding until he is ready to stop whether that is next week or next year. see, i can say that now because it's painless, and comes naturally, and every feeding i look into my son's beautiful, blue eyes and it never fails.. i fall more and more in love every time. i love looking at every little fat roll knowing i did that. i created this monster and i fattened him up too!

now i have an oversupply of milk.. my freezer is full of breastmilk. i breastfed in public for the very first time last week. i feel powerful. i feel like i accomplished a huge amount and i can scream my story on top of a building. i'd like to thank my family for not letting me give up and supporting me the whole way through. i'd like to point my finger to the people who wrote those books, typed up those websites, and people who say it's easy because it's not but it damn sure is worth it.

now all i'm confused about is if i eat too much chocolate, why can't i produce chocolate milk?



  1. Major props to you for NOT listening to your pedi & knowing what was best for your child! Too many people think their doctors know best, but it's always the mamas that do. Just found your blog - absolutely love it! Stopping by from runninglikeamother.com :)

    1. thank you and i know! it's crazy how wrong they can steer you sometimes!! i started following your blog also.. you've got some great reads on there!!

  2. Not being able to breastfeed is exactly what I fear once my little one is born. I knew I wanted to breastfeed as well from day one of finding out I was pregnant. I will think of your experience if I ever get down (:

  3. please do! and the best advice i can give you is to BE STRONG and DO NOT give up!!! good luck! xox